These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Few Funny Answering Machine Messages
#1 Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
#2 Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
#3 Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Tips to recognize where a driver comes from
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Has to be from Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Has to be from New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Has to be from New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Has to be from Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Has to be from Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Has to be from Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Has to be from Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Has to be from Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Has to be from Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: Has to be from West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Has to be from Florida.
Cool Morals:
1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
Five Important Qualities (for men)
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
